Thursday, July 12, 2012
Great!!
Great just great , 3 broken scales !!!!!!!! Feeling all this anxiety because i won't be able to check my weight in the morning. For one weight scale i have to get new batteries which i will do tomorrow, and for my second one the led light and the numbers aren't visible , i already tried putting new batteries and nothing :( .
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
No Self -Control
Shame , once again no self-control, all day i couldn't stop eating although i did exercise for at least one hr and a half but still it's just sad that when i am getting closer to my goal i am doing the opposite to get there. Let's just hope that tomorrow i can actually be stronger and have a little of but of respect to my body.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today i had a setback, yep it is what it is. Some family members came over and well as always they want to go have dinner . And there goes fat free willy eating like a whale itself . Self-control was my strong side tonight . I fell so bad all the hard work all the battles i had each day of the week so i can just drop it at the sight of yummy delicious full of grease Salvadorian food. Oh well i am trying not to be to hard on myself but i can't help to feel what i am a failure. Gave in to temptation. In the morning so close and right now so far far far from my goal.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Memories & Feelings
To all the people that made me feel ashamed of being fat, to all
the people that belittle me , to all the people that broke me little by
little. To the people that i thought cared about me yet they would
always call me Free Willy , To all of you , FUCK YOU ALL !
To all of them that made my self-esteem get smaller and smaller until there was nothing left. To you that at one point made a comment about how fat he's new girlfriend was, therefore wasn't pretty or good enough for your friend, just so you can hide your mediocre life & the fear of being the last one in finding someone that loves you not for how you look but for how you are inside .
To that one person that told me i was fatter than when i was pregnant & also made many comments behind my back, whispering as i'm walking by , judging me because of how fat and obese I've gotten. Just so you can distract people from focusing on the real you, but at the end of the day, you find out it's all a masquerade. Well FUCK YOU ALL !!!!!!!!!!
To all the people that made me feel ugly & fat since the beginning of my childhood by comparing me to my cousins by making sure i knew that they were better than me for two reasons , they were light skinned and above all skinnier than me.
To all the people that told me in my face i was pretty but not pretty enough because i was fat on the verge of obese.
FUCK YOU ALL !!!!!!!
FUCK YOU ; For not being able to love someone for who she was inside. She was pure , innocent and very gullible . At one point she actually believed that fairy tales always end with HAPPILY EVER AFTER. But people like you broke her little by little piece by piece until there was nothing left of her pure innocent gullible soul and all that was left was a dark shadow full of hatred and the desire for vengeance. Hoping that someday soon you can feel what it is to be ignored, humiliated , judged, mocked at, just for being fat , obese , huge whatever you want to call it. I just want to make you feel how you once made me feel, i want you to cry every night like i did , i want you to hide from mirrors , cameras anything that might catch your real reflection and if your strong enough cry in front of the mirror hating yourself for letting it go that far, for not having the control over your own body. I want you to think of all the people you mocked for being obese. I want you to hurt even more when you realize is not easy being a HUGE BITCH. Hoping , craving , starving for the acceptance and love of that one special person and not being able to find it , LONELINESS sets in and all i want to say is; Welcome to my world !!!!
And to all of those that behind those cruel , harsh words you spoke but never once realized that you were just tearing the last scraps of self-esteem i had in me by telling me there was no point in putting on make-up and plucking my eyebrows because not even that can make me look any better. But instead i should get on a diet and lose weight , and once that is accomplished i could go ahead , pluck my eyebrows and put on a mask . Only then i would actually earn to be told and be pretty.
To you the one that was supposed to believe in me because you carried me 7 months inside your womb , I told you I was going to lose weight , that i was going to change my whole life style so i can look better and you wouldn't be embarrassed of me and that this time i was being serious, I was going to be committed to my decision , But your first facial expression was doubtful your second was more painful you actually laughed at me , told me that you had heard that story coming from me many times, that i was bound to be fat because my great grandmother was fat therefore i am meant to be fat & obese. And that if a man wants me they have to love me for the woman i am inside , not just the exterior. But then time after time the same people that would tell me those fairy tales made sure i knew i was young and obese. Telling me that what man will ever want to be with an obese young lady. That time was ticking and being 19 years old & 210 lbs was only going to make me a spinster for life.
To you instead of hate , I thank you for you made me open my eyes and realized we do not live in a wonderland , that happily ever afters don't exists. But once i was completely thorn and there was nothing but emptiness , some how a little tiny speck of inner strength started growing little by little. And to that i can finally prove all of you wrong !!!!!!!!!!!!!! You were all nothing but confused admirers !!! Jealous & amazed on how Free Willy exists NO MORE.
To all of them that made my self-esteem get smaller and smaller until there was nothing left. To you that at one point made a comment about how fat he's new girlfriend was, therefore wasn't pretty or good enough for your friend, just so you can hide your mediocre life & the fear of being the last one in finding someone that loves you not for how you look but for how you are inside .
To that one person that told me i was fatter than when i was pregnant & also made many comments behind my back, whispering as i'm walking by , judging me because of how fat and obese I've gotten. Just so you can distract people from focusing on the real you, but at the end of the day, you find out it's all a masquerade. Well FUCK YOU ALL !!!!!!!!!!
To all the people that made me feel ugly & fat since the beginning of my childhood by comparing me to my cousins by making sure i knew that they were better than me for two reasons , they were light skinned and above all skinnier than me.
To all the people that told me in my face i was pretty but not pretty enough because i was fat on the verge of obese.
FUCK YOU ALL !!!!!!!
FUCK YOU ; For not being able to love someone for who she was inside. She was pure , innocent and very gullible . At one point she actually believed that fairy tales always end with HAPPILY EVER AFTER. But people like you broke her little by little piece by piece until there was nothing left of her pure innocent gullible soul and all that was left was a dark shadow full of hatred and the desire for vengeance. Hoping that someday soon you can feel what it is to be ignored, humiliated , judged, mocked at, just for being fat , obese , huge whatever you want to call it. I just want to make you feel how you once made me feel, i want you to cry every night like i did , i want you to hide from mirrors , cameras anything that might catch your real reflection and if your strong enough cry in front of the mirror hating yourself for letting it go that far, for not having the control over your own body. I want you to think of all the people you mocked for being obese. I want you to hurt even more when you realize is not easy being a HUGE BITCH. Hoping , craving , starving for the acceptance and love of that one special person and not being able to find it , LONELINESS sets in and all i want to say is; Welcome to my world !!!!
And to all of those that behind those cruel , harsh words you spoke but never once realized that you were just tearing the last scraps of self-esteem i had in me by telling me there was no point in putting on make-up and plucking my eyebrows because not even that can make me look any better. But instead i should get on a diet and lose weight , and once that is accomplished i could go ahead , pluck my eyebrows and put on a mask . Only then i would actually earn to be told and be pretty.
To you the one that was supposed to believe in me because you carried me 7 months inside your womb , I told you I was going to lose weight , that i was going to change my whole life style so i can look better and you wouldn't be embarrassed of me and that this time i was being serious, I was going to be committed to my decision , But your first facial expression was doubtful your second was more painful you actually laughed at me , told me that you had heard that story coming from me many times, that i was bound to be fat because my great grandmother was fat therefore i am meant to be fat & obese. And that if a man wants me they have to love me for the woman i am inside , not just the exterior. But then time after time the same people that would tell me those fairy tales made sure i knew i was young and obese. Telling me that what man will ever want to be with an obese young lady. That time was ticking and being 19 years old & 210 lbs was only going to make me a spinster for life.
To you instead of hate , I thank you for you made me open my eyes and realized we do not live in a wonderland , that happily ever afters don't exists. But once i was completely thorn and there was nothing but emptiness , some how a little tiny speck of inner strength started growing little by little. And to that i can finally prove all of you wrong !!!!!!!!!!!!!! You were all nothing but confused admirers !!! Jealous & amazed on how Free Willy exists NO MORE.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
There's a difference between interest and commitment: When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstances permit. When you're committed to something , you accept NO EXCUSES , ONLY RESULTS .
When i feel like giving up , i read this quote and just when i feel like i can't be stronger anymore some how reading quotes like this gives me just the right amount of inner strength to keep on pursuing my goal. Thoughts run through my mind ,temptation to give up is there, especially when the mirror on the wall shows me a completely different me , the reflection that i see is still fat and unattractive . Their has been a few occasions i was able to get a glimpse of the skinny (me) that so many say they see. But as i keep staring , i start seeing fat Lizzy again . I try to focus more on what the scale is showing me , seeing the numbers decrease makes me feel a little better , that mirrors are only deceiving me and that my hard work is finally paying off .
When i feel like giving up , i read this quote and just when i feel like i can't be stronger anymore some how reading quotes like this gives me just the right amount of inner strength to keep on pursuing my goal. Thoughts run through my mind ,temptation to give up is there, especially when the mirror on the wall shows me a completely different me , the reflection that i see is still fat and unattractive . Their has been a few occasions i was able to get a glimpse of the skinny (me) that so many say they see. But as i keep staring , i start seeing fat Lizzy again . I try to focus more on what the scale is showing me , seeing the numbers decrease makes me feel a little better , that mirrors are only deceiving me and that my hard work is finally paying off .
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Sunday, May 27, 2012
Best day
Well today i weighted myself and to my surprise both my scales were 146.8 feels good to see those numbers go down. I have been in a weight plateau for months now and although i saw many articles about how to surpass and break the plateau my mind can't process the idea of increasing your calorie intake , i know is correct but it just doesn't process in my mind. I have a friend that was in the same plateau as me. She called me to tell me we need to change our calorie intake etc , i told her look you do it how you can and i'll do it how i can. So i decided to stop texting her and calling her to talk about our weight it kinda became a competition of some sort in my part so i got a little distant from her . She hasn't seen me for the whole month i haven't told her i am not on plateau mode anymore but i'll just wait until we see each other again , Maybe later this week, for now i have to keep on being strong and keep focus.
Saturday, May 26, 2012
Constant Struggle
My biggest fear is to go back to the way i was , every time i go out with friends , my bf , my family i always have that battle inside my mind , To eat or not to eat all that fat greasy food? I will not deny that i have been through many binge eating followed by purging for feeling guilty. I'm trying my best to change that and instead focusing on exercising more. Losing became an obsession , after my second child at 27 years old i noticed i had gotten bigger than i ever was in my entire life , let's see 27 years old , 5'3 height , and 220 lbs which is very excessive for a chick my height. So i decided that it was time to start my dieting again and wasn't going to stop until i got to my goal which at first it was only going from 220 lbs to 215 lbs. Hey i needed to start small. So started counting calories , doing cardio online, I was too embarrassed to go to any gym , Those first 5 lbs made me realize i still got had it in me and i can still lose more. So i started writing my goals little by little in about 5 months i had lost over 60lbs going from 220 to 160 lbs. Till this day i haven't gotten to my goal so i am still fighting battles everyday. I actually gained a few lbs since i gotten laid off and went up to 168 lbs which was scaring me because it was 2 lbs away from 170. Right then i decided to stop and pursue my goal of one day being at least 140 , that was a month ago when i was 168 and as of today i am 148.4 lbs which is not too bad to lose in a month. I will post some pics of my before and after like i said i still haven't gotten to my goal , but will pursue until i get there :) 
Battle : The Early Years
All my life I have been an overweight person , I don't remember the day I felt pretty growing up and everyone will tell me you are so pretty but you would be beautiful if you would lose weight and be skinny , family members always comparing me with my cousins , my parents comparing me to my sisters etc . I guess that's the main reason I started going to church at a young age around 13 years old , seeking for a higher power that could do a miracle on me , obviously it didn't work like that , I stopped going to church at Age 20. I started hanging out with a punk crowd started partying , clubbing but I noticed my weight was always the problem no guys would notice a fat obese chick , I started counting calories , exercising after losing weight I started getting some confidence I. I believe I was 210 lbs at age 20 so I went down to 155 lbs I think that is the lowest I got and even though it isn't a low weight # , those years I felt good point is two years past by and I let myself go. Went back to the same fat obese ugly Liz a.k.a Free Willy . 
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