Sunday, January 13, 2013
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Great!!
Great just great , 3 broken scales !!!!!!!! Feeling all this anxiety because i won't be able to check my weight in the morning. For one weight scale i have to get new batteries which i will do tomorrow, and for my second one the led light and the numbers aren't visible , i already tried putting new batteries and nothing :( .
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
No Self -Control
Shame , once again no self-control, all day i couldn't stop eating although i did exercise for at least one hr and a half but still it's just sad that when i am getting closer to my goal i am doing the opposite to get there. Let's just hope that tomorrow i can actually be stronger and have a little of but of respect to my body.
Sunday, July 8, 2012
FAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Today i had a setback, yep it is what it is. Some family members came over and well as always they want to go have dinner . And there goes fat free willy eating like a whale itself . Self-control was my strong side tonight . I fell so bad all the hard work all the battles i had each day of the week so i can just drop it at the sight of yummy delicious full of grease Salvadorian food. Oh well i am trying not to be to hard on myself but i can't help to feel what i am a failure. Gave in to temptation. In the morning so close and right now so far far far from my goal.
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Memories & Feelings
To all the people that made me feel ashamed of being fat, to all
the people that belittle me , to all the people that broke me little by
little. To the people that i thought cared about me yet they would
always call me Free Willy , To all of you , FUCK YOU ALL !
To all of them that made my self-esteem get smaller and smaller until there was nothing left. To you that at one point made a comment about how fat he's new girlfriend was, therefore wasn't pretty or good enough for your friend, just so you can hide your mediocre life & the fear of being the last one in finding someone that loves you not for how you look but for how you are inside .
To that one person that told me i was fatter than when i was pregnant & also made many comments behind my back, whispering as i'm walking by , judging me because of how fat and obese I've gotten. Just so you can distract people from focusing on the real you, but at the end of the day, you find out it's all a masquerade. Well FUCK YOU ALL !!!!!!!!!!
To all the people that made me feel ugly & fat since the beginning of my childhood by comparing me to my cousins by making sure i knew that they were better than me for two reasons , they were light skinned and above all skinnier than me.
To all the people that told me in my face i was pretty but not pretty enough because i was fat on the verge of obese.
FUCK YOU ALL !!!!!!!
FUCK YOU ; For not being able to love someone for who she was inside. She was pure , innocent and very gullible . At one point she actually believed that fairy tales always end with HAPPILY EVER AFTER. But people like you broke her little by little piece by piece until there was nothing left of her pure innocent gullible soul and all that was left was a dark shadow full of hatred and the desire for vengeance. Hoping that someday soon you can feel what it is to be ignored, humiliated , judged, mocked at, just for being fat , obese , huge whatever you want to call it. I just want to make you feel how you once made me feel, i want you to cry every night like i did , i want you to hide from mirrors , cameras anything that might catch your real reflection and if your strong enough cry in front of the mirror hating yourself for letting it go that far, for not having the control over your own body. I want you to think of all the people you mocked for being obese. I want you to hurt even more when you realize is not easy being a HUGE BITCH. Hoping , craving , starving for the acceptance and love of that one special person and not being able to find it , LONELINESS sets in and all i want to say is; Welcome to my world !!!!
And to all of those that behind those cruel , harsh words you spoke but never once realized that you were just tearing the last scraps of self-esteem i had in me by telling me there was no point in putting on make-up and plucking my eyebrows because not even that can make me look any better. But instead i should get on a diet and lose weight , and once that is accomplished i could go ahead , pluck my eyebrows and put on a mask . Only then i would actually earn to be told and be pretty.
To you the one that was supposed to believe in me because you carried me 7 months inside your womb , I told you I was going to lose weight , that i was going to change my whole life style so i can look better and you wouldn't be embarrassed of me and that this time i was being serious, I was going to be committed to my decision , But your first facial expression was doubtful your second was more painful you actually laughed at me , told me that you had heard that story coming from me many times, that i was bound to be fat because my great grandmother was fat therefore i am meant to be fat & obese. And that if a man wants me they have to love me for the woman i am inside , not just the exterior. But then time after time the same people that would tell me those fairy tales made sure i knew i was young and obese. Telling me that what man will ever want to be with an obese young lady. That time was ticking and being 19 years old & 210 lbs was only going to make me a spinster for life.
To you instead of hate , I thank you for you made me open my eyes and realized we do not live in a wonderland , that happily ever afters don't exists. But once i was completely thorn and there was nothing but emptiness , some how a little tiny speck of inner strength started growing little by little. And to that i can finally prove all of you wrong !!!!!!!!!!!!!! You were all nothing but confused admirers !!! Jealous & amazed on how Free Willy exists NO MORE.
To all of them that made my self-esteem get smaller and smaller until there was nothing left. To you that at one point made a comment about how fat he's new girlfriend was, therefore wasn't pretty or good enough for your friend, just so you can hide your mediocre life & the fear of being the last one in finding someone that loves you not for how you look but for how you are inside .
To that one person that told me i was fatter than when i was pregnant & also made many comments behind my back, whispering as i'm walking by , judging me because of how fat and obese I've gotten. Just so you can distract people from focusing on the real you, but at the end of the day, you find out it's all a masquerade. Well FUCK YOU ALL !!!!!!!!!!
To all the people that made me feel ugly & fat since the beginning of my childhood by comparing me to my cousins by making sure i knew that they were better than me for two reasons , they were light skinned and above all skinnier than me.
To all the people that told me in my face i was pretty but not pretty enough because i was fat on the verge of obese.
FUCK YOU ALL !!!!!!!
FUCK YOU ; For not being able to love someone for who she was inside. She was pure , innocent and very gullible . At one point she actually believed that fairy tales always end with HAPPILY EVER AFTER. But people like you broke her little by little piece by piece until there was nothing left of her pure innocent gullible soul and all that was left was a dark shadow full of hatred and the desire for vengeance. Hoping that someday soon you can feel what it is to be ignored, humiliated , judged, mocked at, just for being fat , obese , huge whatever you want to call it. I just want to make you feel how you once made me feel, i want you to cry every night like i did , i want you to hide from mirrors , cameras anything that might catch your real reflection and if your strong enough cry in front of the mirror hating yourself for letting it go that far, for not having the control over your own body. I want you to think of all the people you mocked for being obese. I want you to hurt even more when you realize is not easy being a HUGE BITCH. Hoping , craving , starving for the acceptance and love of that one special person and not being able to find it , LONELINESS sets in and all i want to say is; Welcome to my world !!!!
And to all of those that behind those cruel , harsh words you spoke but never once realized that you were just tearing the last scraps of self-esteem i had in me by telling me there was no point in putting on make-up and plucking my eyebrows because not even that can make me look any better. But instead i should get on a diet and lose weight , and once that is accomplished i could go ahead , pluck my eyebrows and put on a mask . Only then i would actually earn to be told and be pretty.
To you the one that was supposed to believe in me because you carried me 7 months inside your womb , I told you I was going to lose weight , that i was going to change my whole life style so i can look better and you wouldn't be embarrassed of me and that this time i was being serious, I was going to be committed to my decision , But your first facial expression was doubtful your second was more painful you actually laughed at me , told me that you had heard that story coming from me many times, that i was bound to be fat because my great grandmother was fat therefore i am meant to be fat & obese. And that if a man wants me they have to love me for the woman i am inside , not just the exterior. But then time after time the same people that would tell me those fairy tales made sure i knew i was young and obese. Telling me that what man will ever want to be with an obese young lady. That time was ticking and being 19 years old & 210 lbs was only going to make me a spinster for life.
To you instead of hate , I thank you for you made me open my eyes and realized we do not live in a wonderland , that happily ever afters don't exists. But once i was completely thorn and there was nothing but emptiness , some how a little tiny speck of inner strength started growing little by little. And to that i can finally prove all of you wrong !!!!!!!!!!!!!! You were all nothing but confused admirers !!! Jealous & amazed on how Free Willy exists NO MORE.
Thursday, July 5, 2012
There's a difference between interest and commitment: When you're interested in doing something, you do it only when circumstances permit. When you're committed to something , you accept NO EXCUSES , ONLY RESULTS .
When i feel like giving up , i read this quote and just when i feel like i can't be stronger anymore some how reading quotes like this gives me just the right amount of inner strength to keep on pursuing my goal. Thoughts run through my mind ,temptation to give up is there, especially when the mirror on the wall shows me a completely different me , the reflection that i see is still fat and unattractive . Their has been a few occasions i was able to get a glimpse of the skinny (me) that so many say they see. But as i keep staring , i start seeing fat Lizzy again . I try to focus more on what the scale is showing me , seeing the numbers decrease makes me feel a little better , that mirrors are only deceiving me and that my hard work is finally paying off .
When i feel like giving up , i read this quote and just when i feel like i can't be stronger anymore some how reading quotes like this gives me just the right amount of inner strength to keep on pursuing my goal. Thoughts run through my mind ,temptation to give up is there, especially when the mirror on the wall shows me a completely different me , the reflection that i see is still fat and unattractive . Their has been a few occasions i was able to get a glimpse of the skinny (me) that so many say they see. But as i keep staring , i start seeing fat Lizzy again . I try to focus more on what the scale is showing me , seeing the numbers decrease makes me feel a little better , that mirrors are only deceiving me and that my hard work is finally paying off .
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
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